Total Drama Catch Him If You Can
by KieranDell1409
Summary: <html><head></head>The third season of my Total Drama fanfics. Chris is on the run, and what better way to track him down than by making a show out of it?</html>
1. New Season, New Cast

New Season, New Cast Members

**Author note:** Okay, in case you haven't guessed from the chapter title, this isn't the first Total Drama fanfic I've done. Before trying to read this one, I encourage you to read the first two (Total Drama All Stars and Total Drama Worlds Collide) since most of the stuff from this fanfic won't make sense without it. For those of you who have already read them, you're awesome. Now, here are the eight new cast members.

**ARTEMIS FOWL II**

**Originally from:** Artemis Fowl

**Age:** 15…chronologically.

**Title:** The Criminal Mastermind

**Summary:** The Fowl family has been a criminal dynasty for many generations. When his father goes missing, nine year old Artemis takes over the "family business" and tries to find him. When his family was nearing bankruptcy, Artemis discovers that fairies exist, so Artemis decides to extort gold out of them. This leads to him having many adventures with the fairy people, including outsmarting the world's smartest pixie, stealing fairy technology back from a corporate giant, outsmarting the world's smartest pixie, saving a demon dimension, outsmarting the world's smartest pixie, overcoming multiple personality disorder, and outsmarting the world's smartest pixie.

**BLOSSOM**

**Originally from:** Powerpuff Girls/Powerpuff Girls Z

**Age:** 13

**Title:** The Superhero

**Summary:** Just to be clear here: I'm using Blossom from Powerpuff Girls Z as opposed to the original cartoon on the grounds that she's older and fits more closely with the age range I use (not that that's stopped me before). Now, to the backstory: when Professor Utonium's son Ken used Chemical Z to destroy an iceberg, the resulting blast caused black and white Z Rays to fly across the city of New Townsville. One of the white Z Rays hits Blossom, giving her superpowers (and a yo-yo as a weapon). Together with Bubbles and Buttercup (who were also hit with the white Z Rays) they protect the world from those who want to destroy it (i.e. those hit by the black Z Rays).

**GARY SMITH**

**Originally from:** Bully/Canis Canem Edit

**Age:** 15

**Title:** The Sociopath

**Summary:** Not much is known about Gary's early life, apart from being ADD and was on some kind of behaviour medication. That is, until he met Jimmy Hopkins, whom he planned to take over Bullworth Academy with. He uses Jimmy to gain some respect, then sends giant bully Russell after him. After Jimmy beats Russell into submission, Gary slowly manipulates other students into not trusting Jimmy, before convincing some dropouts to frame Jimmy for some horrible acts of vandalism and get him expelled, while Gary ascended to Head Boy. Gary manages to plunge the school into chaos, before Jimmy comes and makes him (unknowingly) confess to his crimes.

**KENNY MCCORMACK**

**Originally from:** South Park

**Age:** 10

**Title:** The Unkillable

**Summary:** Kenny is a fourth grade student at South Park Elementary, where he and his friends Stan, Kyle, and Eric Cartman* attend. In their home town of South Park, many weird, wild, and downright stupid things happen, and the four boys are often in the middle of it. Throughout all of this, Kenny is often killed . . . for a little while. Somehow though, he always seems to come back alive and well. Kenny often wears an orange hood that muffles his speech, though somehow most people can still understand him.

* The term friend is used in the loosest possible way here.

**NOODLE**

**Originally from:** Gorillaz

**Age:** 23

**Title:** The Rockstar

**Summary:** Prior to joining her band, Noodle was a subject in a Japanese super soldier experiment with 22 other children. However, the experiment was considered too dangerous and was scrapped. The scientist in charge (Mr. Kyuzo) was told to destroy any evidence of the experiment, which meant killing all the kids. However, Kyuzo had grown attached to Noodle, and instead induced amnesia in her and sent her to the United Kingdom where she joined the newly formed band Gorillaz as their guitarist. Noodle showed early that she was not just a guitarist, but also a skilled martial artist. These skills have helped her immensely, since she spent a period of (up to) four years trapped in Hell.

**NORA VALKYRIE**

**Originally from:** RWBY

**Age:** 17

**Title:** The Huntress

**Summary:** Nora is a student at Beacon Academy, a school which trains students to fight Grimm (monsters that inhabit the world of Remnant). Nora is a hyperactive and cheerful girl, the exact opposite to her long-time friend Lie Ren. Nora is part of Team JNPR, which consists of herself, Ren, team leader Juane Arc, and Pyrrha Nikos. Nora's weapon of choice is Magnhild, a hammer that can also become a grenade launcher. While she is capable of being serious, she's known for acting in random, uncontrollable ways (usually involving large amounts of sugar).

**PATRICK VERONA**

**Originally from:** 10 Things I Hate About You

**Age:** 17

**Title:** The Bad Boy

**Summary:** Patrick is a high school student that no-one knows much about. This has led to some widely believed rumours that he is a complete psychopath, having done things like eaten a live duck (excluding the beak and feet), set a state trooper on fire, sold his liver on the black market for speakers, known Marilyn Manson, and slept with a Spice Girl (although this one might be true). Because of his bad boy persona, he is paid by Joey Donner to start dating Katarina Stratford (whose personality is as bad as Patrick's) so that he can date Kat's sister Bianca (since their father won't let Bianca date until Kat does).

**SAEKO BUSUJIMA**

**Originally from:** Highschool of the Dead

**Age:** 18

**Title:** The Zombie Killer

**Summary:** Saeko was the captain of Fujimi Academy's Kendo Club before an outbreak of a zombie virus. Since then, she has teamed up with her fellow students (and the school nurse) to survive against "Them". Saeko is also slightly sadistic, stemming from an event four years ago when she was attacked on her way home. Already skilled at kendo, she easily overpowered the man and was not charged on the grounds that he started it. She is a skilled sword fighter, and even derives some "enjoyment" out of killing zombies.


	2. The Chase Begins

Episode 1: The Chase Begins

On the stage of the Aftermath studio stands Chef Hatchet, facing the twenty contestants of the new season of Total Drama. "Okay, let's refresh the audience's memory," said Chef. "Chris has been horribly torturing these guys for the last eighteen months, now they want revenge."

"Really? You're just gonna summarise two whole seasons in a single sentence?" asked Wallace.

"What are you gonna do about it?" asked Chef.

"The better question is: would he do anything about it if he could?" asked Katniss.

"No, the better question is: shouldn't we be chasing Chris before he gets any further away?" asked Artemis.

"No worries there," said Chef. "He forgot something he can't live without."

"What, you mean like an asthma inhaler?" asked Marty.

"Nope," said Chef. "His moisturiser."

Twenty pairs of eyes stared at him in disbelief. "You're not serious," said Peter.

"Shh," said Chef. "Just watch."

Seconds later, Chris ran onstage, and stopped when he saw them. "Hey, have any of you seen my moisturiser?" asked Chris.

"Sorry Chris," said Chef.

"Damn," said Chris, running offstage.

"What the hell Chef? Why didn't you stop him?" demanded Finn.

"Because one hundred and ninety three words is hardly a whole season," said Chef. "So, your first challenge is to find Chris's moisturiser, and give it to me."

"Shouldn't we be in teams?" asked Dorothy.

"Does it matter?" asked Chef.

"Like, wouldn't that help figure out who to vote off at the end of the show?" asked Shaggy.

Chef sighed. "Okay fine," he said. Chef walked up to the group, and split them down the middle. "There, teams," said Chef.

"What about names?" asked Lyra.

"You people are insufferable," said Chef. "Fine, the ones on my left are the Raging Pelicans, on my right the Psycho Squirrels." On Chef's left were Ayane, Finn, Jake, Katniss, Lyra, Marty, Max, Peter, Saeko and Shaggy; on his right were Artemis, Blossom, Dorothy, Gary, Hit Girl, Kenny, Noodle, Nora, Patrick and Wallace. "Now go."

"Come on guys, this way," said Blossom, calling for her teammates to follow.

"Who put you in charge?" asked Patrick.

"I was the leader of my team of superheroes back in New Townsville," said Blossom.

"Ooh, I was a member of a team of heroes back in Remnant," said Nora.

"That's so cool. Maybe we can have a new super team amongst ourselves," said Blossom. "Now, we need a third member."

"My team had four members," said Nora.

"Well, I'm the leader, and I want three," said Blossom. "How about you little girl? You're a superhero right?"

"Try and recruit me and I'll slit your *beep* throat, ear to ear," said Hit-Girl.

"Did . . . did that little girl just say . . ." started Dorothy in shock.

"Yeah, she does that a lot," said Wallace. "Best to not provoke her, since I'm pretty sure she means it."

"Ooh, I like that," said Gary.

"She's eleven. She's too young for you," said Noodle.

"So?" asked Gary. The rest of his team looked at him in shock. "I'm kidding, jeez."

"Uh, guys?" said Artemis. "Don't we have a challenge to win?"

"Oh, right," said Blossom. "Me, Nora, and Hit-Girl . . ."

"I'm not joining you," said Hit-Girl.

"Fine. Your loss," said Blossom. "Me, Nora and Noodle a.k.a. The Powerpuff Girls 2.0 will go this way; Kenny, Wallace and Artemis go that way . . ."

"What about the rest of us?" asked Dorothy.

"Just . . . start looking, okay?" said Blossom, dashing away with her team.

The rest of her team stared after her. "Mmf mmf mmf," said Kenny.

"You said it kid," said Patrick, leaving with his group.

Meanwhile, with the Raging Pelicans . . .

"Okay, if I were a moisturiser, where would I be?" asked Jake.

"The most obvious place would be his dressing room," said Saeko. "I say we start there."

"Surely he already checked there," said Ayane. "I say we . . ."

"Split up and search for clues?" suggested Shaggy.

Ayane glared at him. "How'd you know I'd say that?" she asked.

"I've done it once or twice," said Shaggy.

"I say we do it," said Max. "I'll be with Lyra. Anyone else?"

"I'll come with you," said Finn.

"Me too," said Jake.

"Finn and Jake, huh?" said Lyra. "And it's TIME for an ADVENT . . ."

"No, we are not making that joke," said Katniss. "I'll take Peter and Shaggy, which leaves . . ."

"Me, Saeko and Marty," said Ayane.

"You're gonna leave me with the purple haired psychopaths?" demanded Marty.

"Maybe you shouldn't have allied yourself with Light," said Katniss, leaving with her team.

"You're still bitter about that?" asked Marty, before facing the girls. "So . . ."

"Psychopaths, eh?" said Saeko.

"You're gonna regret that," said Ayane, grinning diabolically with Saeko. Marty gulped.

Meanwhile, with Team Blossom . . .

"Where do you think it is?" asked Noodle.

"Obviously his dressing room," said Blossom.

"Wouldn't that be the first place Chris would look?" asked Nora.

"But where else would it be?" said Blossom.

"Chef probably knew that Chris wouldn't go anywhere without it, and hid it somewhere he wouldn't look," said Noodle.

"So . . . the intern's dressing room?" said Nora.

"Exactly," said Noodle. "Come on Blossom."

"Hold on," said Blossom. "I'm the leader, and I say we check Chris's dressing room."

"But . . ." started Nora.

"No buts," said Blossom, heading towards Chris's dressing room.

"I think I want to mutiny," said Noodle, following.

Meanwhile in the intern's dressing room . . .

"Found it," called Peter.

"Are you sure it's his?" asked Shaggy.

"Well, it says 'Chris's moisturiser *beep* off don't touch', so yeah I think so," said Peter.

"Thank you for that," said a voice behind them. The three of them turned to see Hit-Girl charge into the room.

Katniss drew her knife in defence. "Peter, get back to Chef," she yelled as Hit-Girl struck her.

Peter ran towards the door, ducking past Hit-Girl, when Patrick appeared from nowhere. "I'll take that," he said, carefully taking the bottle. Just as he was turning out of the room, Shaggy ran past and grabbed the moisturiser out of his hand. Gary and Dorothy tried to tackle him, but he was too quick. Shaggy ran past a doorway, and was tackled by Kenny. Shaggy tripped, and dropped the bottle at Artemis's feet.

"Ah, perfect," said Artemis, turning around and heading back to the stage. Before he'd taken two steps, he was suddenly lifted into the air.

"You have something I want," said Max, snatching the bottle from Artemis.

"Too bad I want it too," said Artemis, managing to slap it out of Max's hand. Unfortunately, it went straight into the claws of an eagle.

"Good work Pan," called Lyra from below. Suddenly, a purple blur darted past her and was climbing up to where Pan was. Closer examination revealed it was Hit-Girl, who had managed to evade Katniss just enough to reach the door and dash through it. Hit-Girl flew through the air, and snatched the bottle from Pan's claws before landing on an overhead gangway.

Hit-Girl began to run, when suddenly her way was blocked by Ayane. Hit-Girl turned around to see Saeko blocking the other way. "Alright, bring it *beep*," said Hit-Girl, drawing out her katanas.

Saeko drew his wooden kendo sword and struck at Hit-Girl, who blocked it easily. Ayane, attempted a back attack, but Hit-Girl ducked out of the way. Ayane and Saeko kept Hit-Girl surrounded, but Hit-Girl kept holding them at bay. "Damn it Marty, why don't you help out?" asked Ayane.

"Not sure if you've noticed, but she has two very sharp looking swords," said Marty. "Given that I am not only a non-fighter, but also unarmed, I'm not sure how much I can do."

"You can move out of my way, for one thing," said someone. Marty turned just in time to get Nora's hammer to the face. "You were having fun without me? That is so rude."

"Hey, at least I saved some for you," said Hit-Girl. "Now, which one do you want?"

"I'll take the one in the white hat," said Nora.

"What one in a white hat?" asked Hit-Girl, just as Nora blocked an attack from Finn. Finn swung again, but again Nora blocked it. Saeko and Ayane both joined the assault when Noodle jumped over Hit-Girl and Nora's heads and clotheslined them. Finn turned around to attack when Noodle kicked him hard in the chest.

"Quick, throw it to Blossom," called Noodle, pointing upwards. Hit-Girl saw Blossom, and threw her the moisturiser.

Ayane recovered herself, and saw Blossom grab the moisturiser. Without wasting a minute, Ayane jumped up and grabbed hold of her leg. Blossom, shocked at the sudden weight attached to her, dropped the bottle. Looking down, she felt great relief. "Wallace, quick, grab the bottle," called Blossom.

The bottle hit the ground at Wallace's feet and began to roll away. "Grab what?" he called, just as Jake ran past and grabbed the moisturiser himself, before heading straight to Chef.

"Congratulations to the Raging Pelicans," said Chef. "You win today's challenge. You will not be eliminating anyone today. As for the Psycho Squirrels, you'll be sending someone home. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to." Chef walked offstage and into the nearest bathroom. "Oh Chris, look what I found," he called.

Chris poked his head in to see Chef holding his moisturiser. "Oh good, you found . . . WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" cried Chris as Chef started flushing it down the toilet. "My moisturiser is not this show. It does not belong in there." Chris wiped away a tear, and then ran off.

**Confession Cam: Hit-Girl**

"That *beep* Wallace cost us the challenge. He needs to go."

**Confession Cam: Dorothy**

"Sorry Wallace, but you have to admit, you're kind of useless."

**Confession Cam: Wallace**

"Clearly this is all Blossom's fault. She should have known I'm not here to be helpful."

Later, at the elimination ceremony . . .

"Okay, I can't be bothered explaining how this works, so here's who's safe," said Chef. "Artemis, Nora, Patrick, Dorothy, Hit-Girl, Noodle, Gary, Kenny, and Blossom." As Chef said each name, a marshmallow was thrown to them.

"Hey, wait, that's nine names," said Wallace.

"Yep," said Chef.

"And I wasn't one of them," said Wallace.

"Yep," said Chef.

"Aren't you meant to build the suspense by withholding two names and then revealing the loser?" asked Wallace.

"*beep* that, I want to show you how we're eliminating you this season," said Chef, pulling out a large mallet. "Say hello to the Whack of Shame." With that, Chef smacked Wallace straight into the stage, leaving nothing but his head above ground. Chef turned to a camera. "So, where will we be going next? Stay tuned for the next Total Drama Catch Him If You Can."


	3. I Don't Know What to Call This Chapter

Episode 2: I Don't Know What to Call This Chapter

Standing in a field just outside of Total Drama Studios, Chef starts speaking to a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "We started season three with one of the most important challenges ever: finding and disposing of Chris's moisturiser. The two teams battled it out to win, but in the end it was the Raging Pelicans who took the win, leaving the Psycho Squirrels to vote off Wallace." The scene cuts back to Chef. "What are you looking at? Start the show already."

_Intro song plays._

"Chef, what are we doing just standing here?" asked Finn. "Chris is getting away. I can literally see him running through the tall grass."

"I reckon I could hit him from here," said Katniss, carefully aiming her bow.

"Me too," said Nora, pulling out her own weapon.

"Umm . . . that's a hammer," said Artemis. Nora grinned at him, as Magnhild drastically changed its shape. ". . . And also a rocket launcher, apparently," continued Artemis, slightly confused. "Okay, that is a blatant abuse of physics."

"You think that's bad?" asked Ayane. "Zidane's currently stealing my bra, and he's not even in this season."

"Ahem," said Chef. "If you're interested, today's challenge is to chase Chris through that maze."

"There's no maze . . ." started Dorothy, as Chef pressed a button. Suddenly, a large number of walls appeared in the field where Chris was. "Never mind."

"So, all we have to do is catch Chris and drag him out of the maze and we win?" asked Marty.

"No, your team just has to exit the maze first," said Chef.

"But you said . . ." started Jake.

"To chase him, not to catch him," said Chef. "Off you go."

"Don't worry guys," said Blossom. "I'll just fly above the maze and direct you from there."

"Oh, and anyone caught flying will be immediately eliminated," said Chef.

"Mmf mmfmmf, mmf," said Kenny.

"Heh heh, I actually understood that one," said Chef as the two teams ran into the maze.

"Guys, I think we should go this way," said Lyra, running off to the left.

"What makes you so sure?" asked Max, chasing after her.

"I guess we're going this way, then," said Shaggy, following his team.

"Okay, I think we should right then," said Artemis. "Unless anyone thinks they can catch up to, and disable, all the members of the other team."

"Well, I don't mean to brag . . ." started Noodle.

"That was rhetorical," said Artemis.

"Hey, come on Artemis, mental problems are not a joke," said Patrick.

"I said rhetorical, not . . . never mind," said Artemis.

"Guys, all we need to do to solve this maze is stay next to the walls," said Hit-Girl. "If we stay next to the wall, sooner or later it has to lead out, right?"

"Or we could not do that and simply go in a straight line to the finish," said Gary. "Think about it: Chef simply said we couldn't fly. If we knock holes through the walls, and I'm pretty sure some of you could, then technically we're not cheating."

"I like this idea," said Nora, smacking her hammer into a wall. A large hole appeared where she hit it.

"What if Chef disqualifies us for this?" asked Noodle.

"Would Total Drama really pull such a dick move on us?" asked Gary.

"Yes. Yes they would," said Hit-Girl.

"HEY! You guys coming or what?" called Nora, smacking a hole in the next wall.

Meanwhile with the Raging Pelicans . . .

"Turn right here," called Lyra, turning down another hallway.

"How is she doing this?" asked Peter, following close behind her.

"I don't know. It doesn't make any sense," said Katniss. "I mean, Max is part bird, so I could understand her having some kind of internal navigation system. But Lyra's just a normal girl."

"Maybe my influence has rubbed off on her," said Max.

"Maybe," said Peter. "It could also be like in the labyrinth."

"I love David Bowie," said Jake.

"Not the movie, the actual labyrinth," said Peter. "Normal humans could navigate it, but demigods could not."

"Did Annabeth tell you about that?" asked Katniss.

"Not just that, she had Haruhi demonstrate it," said Peter. "That's how we got into season two."

"Oh great, we're reusing plot points," said Katniss.

Meanwhile with the Psycho Squirrels . . .

"I still think we're going to get disqualified for this," said Noodle as Nora knocked down another wall.

"Well, he can't disqualify all of us," said Blossom, smacking the next wall with her yo-yo.

"Come on Noodle, you might as well join in," said Hit-Girl. "We're *beep* either way. What does it matter now?"

"Well, I do feel like punching something," said Noodle, punching the next wall. "Hey, that felt really good."

"Not for me," said a voice beneath the rubble of the wall. Gary and Patrick started digging through the ruins, and pulled out . . .

"Chris?" said Dorothy.

"This is perfect," said Artemis. "Bringing Chris with us is bound to give us bonus points, possibly enough to win the round."

"You know what could give you more points?" asked Chris. "Letting me go free."

"Not a chance McLean," said Hit-Girl, grabbing him by the back of the neck.

"Alright, Powerpuff Girls 2.0, go," said Blossom. "BLOSSOM!" As she yelled this, she fired her yo-yo at the next wall.

"NORA!" yelled Nora, knocking down the next one.

"NOODLE!" yelled Noodle, knocking down the final wall.

"Please don't ever do that again," said Chef.

"Second," said Chris.

"Third," said Patrick.

"Fourth," said Jake.

"Mmf," said Kenny.

"Wait, so you guys beat us?" asked Artemis.

"Indeed we did," said Max.

"Do we get bonus points for bringing Chris?" asked Gary.

"Nope," said Chef.

"So we lost again?" asked Blossom.

"Not necessarily," said Saeko.

"What? Why's that?" asked Dorothy.

"Because Lyra 'cheated'," said Katniss.

"How is that possible? She can't fly," said Artemis.

"She can't, but her dæmon can," said Ayane. "Pan turned into an eagle and guided Lyra, and we just followed her blindly without realising she was looking up the whole time."

"See, it wasn't me who was flying, it was Pan," said Lyra.

"True, but your dæmon is basically your soul, and therefore an extension of yourself," said Chef, pulling out the mallet. "Therefore . . ."

"Don't we at least get to vote . . ." said Lyra, before being smacked into the ground.

"What do we do with Chris then?" asked Hit-Girl.

"Nothing," said Chef. "While you were distracted by Lyra being eliminated, he slipped away."

"What the . . ." said Hit-Girl, looking around herself. "How the *beep* did he do that?"

"Because you weren't paying attention," said Chef. "Okay, I think this is a good place to leave the episode."

"Aren't you going to ask a bunch of questions that may or may not get answered?" asked Marty.

"Screw that," said Chef. "See you next week."


	4. Swamped

Episode 3: Swamped

Standing on the bank of a swamp river, Chef looks into a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "The contestants had to chase Chris through a maze. Note that I said chase, not catch, since the Psycho Squirrels didn't listen. Luckily for them, Lyra cheated, so she was eliminated on the spot." The camera cut back to Chef. "And now, episode three."

_Intro song plays._

"Okay, now where are we?" asked Peter.

"And how did we get here?" asked Dorothy.

"And when?" asked Max. "Seriously, two minutes ago we were standing outside the exit to the maze, and now we're here."

"And what's the smell?" asked Jake. "It smells like someone tried to light a fart and accidentally followed through."

"I think we could have all done without that visual," said Saeko.

"Guys, I think we have a challenge to do," said Finn. "So, when can I remove Chris's arm?"

"If you want, I can try and replace your missing arm with the one you remove from Chris," said Nora.

"Have you ever done that before?" asked Finn.

"No, but I have a big hammer to knock you out until I'm finished," said Nora.

"If you're done being stupid," said Chef.

"I had something, but go on," said Patrick.

"Your challenge today is to find the most disgusting thing possible, and bring it back here," said Chef.

"Why?" asked Marty.

"Because that's the challenge," said Chef.

"Yeah, but…why?" asked Marty.

"Because that's the challenge," repeated Chef.

"But what's this got to do with Chris?" asked Marty.

"Does it have to have something to do with Chris?" asked Chef.

"Well, our first challenge was to steal his moisturiser, and our second was to chase him through a maze," said Artemis. "So yes, I think Marty's question is valid."

"And who said it doesn't have something to do with Chris?" said Chef.

"What are you gonna do? Rub what we collect on his face and see how he reacts?" asked Katniss.

"No," said Chef. "You're going to throw it at him and see how he reacts. Best reaction wins."

"Do we at least get to wear gloves or something?" asked Hit-Girl.

"You're already wearing gloves," said Chef. "Now get going."

"Like, how will we know what to get?" asked Shaggy.

"Just look for the slimiest, dirtiest piece of filth in this swamp," said Ayane.

"I don't know. Celine Dion might be a bit difficult to come across out here," said Marty. "Maybe we should just look for something in the water."

"Good idea," said Katniss. "Can I assume you're volunteering?"

"What? No," said Marty. "If I go in there, I'll smell like crap for the rest of the competition."

"One, that would be an improvement," said Katniss. "Two, considering your allegiance to Light in season one, you'd be lucky to survive very long anyway."

"I was playing for myself and thought teaming up with Light would get me to the end," said Marty.

"So you're saying you're not trustworthy," said Katniss.

"I'm not saying that," said Marty.

"Good," said Katniss. "So get going." As she said this, Katniss kicked Marty hard into the water.

"Don't you think that was too far?" asked Finn.

"I do," said Katniss. "But if he's going to prove he's past the whole teaming with the bad guy thing, he needs to prove it."

"I never thought he was evil," said Ayane. "Just easily led."

"Well, either way we'll find out where his loyalties lay soon," said Peter.

Meanwhile, with the Psycho Squirrels…

"So, how will we decide what to use?" asked Noodle.

"EWW! The water's all green," screamed Blossom.

"Bingo," said Gary.

"Mmf mmf, mmfmmf mmf mmf," said Kenny.

"That's a good point Kenny, but hopefully they're not too different," said Artemis.

"Did you actually understand that?" asked Noodle.

"Of course. Isn't it obvious what he's saying?" said Artemis.

"Okay, so we already know her reaction to the water," said Patrick. "How about this slimy moss?"

"EWW, gross," yelled Blossom.

"Ooh, how about this mud?" asked Nora, flinging some at Blossom. Blossom reacted by letting out a high pitched squeal.

"I knew there'd be a downside to doing this," said Patrick. "My ears inform me that that was it."

Meanwhile, with the Raging Pelicans…

"Okay, I scooped this up from the bottom of the river," said Marty. "I hope you're happy."

"If it wins us the challenge I will be," said Katniss as Ayane placed the stuff into a jar. "Well, that and when you get a shower. Or twelve."

"And whose fault is that?" demanded Marty.

"Guys, like, let's just get back to Chef," said Shaggy, heading back to where Chef was waiting.

"Hey, we're first back," said Jake.

"That's of no benefit to you," said Chef.

"Hey, what's going on over here?" came a voice. Suddenly, Chris poked his head out from behind a bush. "Oh, it's you guys."

"Well, while you're here, you can help decide the winner of this challenge," said Chef.

"Oh really? And how can I…" started Chris, before seeing Marty hurl a handful of the river muck at him. "OH GOD!" he screamed as it hit him. "What the *beep* is this stuff?"

"Whatever it is on the bottom of the river," said Max.

"OH GOD! This is runoff from the sewerage plant," said Chris.

"Sewerage plant?" demanded Marty, turning to glare at Katniss. "So I was swimming in *beep* because of you?"

"On the plus side, I now consider you redeemed," said Katniss.

"*beep* you," said Marty.

"Hey, where's the other team?" asked Saeko.

"Right there," said Chef, as the Psycho Squirrels appeared in the clearing, Blossom and Dorothy distancing themselves as much as possible from Patrick, who was holding a jar of something.

"Oh *beep*," said Chris, as Hit-Girl threw a large glob of whatever it was at him.

"Literally," said Gary.

"Yeah, I know. This swamp is the runoff from a sewerage plant," said Chris.

"Really?" said Gary. "Because we just saw a bear eat a rabbit, but obviously it didn't agree with him, because he suddenly…"

"OH GOD! IT'S FRESH?!" screamed Chris, running away.

"He should be thankful we couldn't catch Celine Dion," said Patrick.

"Wait, she was actually here?" said Marty.

"In any case, I think it's clear that the Psycho Squirrels win," said Chef. "Pelicans, get decide who you're voting off and meet back here in two hours."

**Confession Cam: Marty**

"Katniss. I stink because of her."

**Confession Cam: Jake**

"Jeez, who was in here before me?"

Later, at the elimination ceremony…

"Okay, you know how it works," said Chef. "One of you is going home now. That person is not Shaggy, Peter, Saeko, Ayane, Jake, Max, Finn, or Katniss, which leaves…"

"Me," said Marty. "But why?"

"Have you smelt yourself lately?" asked Max.

"But that was Katniss's fault," said Marty.

"True," said Peter. "But for one thing, if we got rid of her, we'd still have to put up with your stench. Also, she got to the finale once. She's much more useful than you."

"Oh, this is bull…" started Marty, before Chef smacked him into the ground.

"Well, that's it for now," said Chef. "See you next week."


	5. Do Cyborg Sasquatches Dream Of Electric

Episode 4: Do Cyborg Sasquatches Dream Of Electric Sheep?

Standing in a clearing in a forest, Chef looks at a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "The teams were tasked with finding the most disgusting thing they could find and hurling it at Chris. I'd have thrown it myself, but…eww. The Raging Pelicans got a good reaction with their…human waste, but the Psycho Squirrels won it with their…bear waste, leading to the Pelicans eliminating Marty." The camera cuts back to Chef. "Three down, seventeen to go. Who's next? Find out now, on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can."

_Intro song plays._

"Seriously Chef, how do we keep suddenly appearing in new places?" asked Katniss.

"Never mind that," said Chef. "Chris is in trouble."

"One: who cares?" said Finn. "Two: how do you know?" As Finn finished talking, Chris's horrified scream could be heard.

"In answer to one of your questions," said Chef. "That's how I know. Also, because I sent Cyborg Sasquatchanakwa after him."

"What's a Cyborg Sasquatchanakwa?" asked Dorothy.

"I would assume it's a Sasquatch, just in cyborg form," said Artemis.

"What's a cyborg?" asked Dorothy.

"It's a half-robot, half-human hybrid," said Artemis.

"Is he still speaking English?" asked Dorothy.

"I thought I was being quite clear," said Artemis.

"I farmed dirt before coming here," said Dorothy.

"All you need to know is that it's a dangerous monster that you should avoid," said Noodle.

"Sounds like fun," said Nora.

"So, I assume our challenge is to save Chris?" said Saeko.

"Yep," said Chef.

"Why?" asked Saeko.

"Because the point of this show is to catch him, and if he dies, then the show dies," said Chef.

"We caught him in episode two," said Blossom.

"But your challenge was the CHASE him, not CATCH him," said Chef.

"This show's concept makes no *beep* sense," said Patrick.

"And yet, people still read it," said Peter.

"Are you people just going to stand there making witty banter, or are you going to complete the challenge?" asked Chef.

"Honestly, the witty banter seems like a more constructive use of our time," said Ayane.

"Mmf, mf," said Kenny.

"If you don't help him, no-one will get the prize money," said Chef.

"Most of us are here to get revenge on him. We don't care about the money," said Max. "But we're happy to let the Sasquatch do it for us."

Chef sighed. "Okay, the team who saves Chris gets to collectively punch him in the face," said Chef.

"Now that's an incentive," said Gary, hurrying off after his team.

"Like, what do we intend to do once we find the Sasquatch?" asked Shaggy.

"Well, you and Jake should keep out of the way," said Katniss. "The rest of us at least have a chance of taking it down."

"I can try, right?" said Jake.

"Sorry kid, but like Katniss said, the rest of us have powers or at least some fighting experience," said Peter.

"I'm sure Katniss and Peter will make a great team," said Shaggy.

"Somehow, I knew that was coming, and I didn't do a thing to stop it," said Katniss.

"Guys, I think I see its cave," said Saeko.

"Alright, show time," said Finn, drawing his sword. "CHARGE!"

"We don't even know if it's in there," said Ayane.

"Oh…" said Finn. "Should we charge anyway, just in case it is?"

Just then a roar was heard coming from their right. "I think that's a no," said Max, taking flight.

Meanwhile, the Psycho Squirrels were fighting the cyborg.

"Hit him again," called Patrick from the sidelines.

"Why don't you do something, tough guy," said Artemis.

"What was that?" demanded Patrick.

Artemis stepped back away from him. "What I'm saying is, if you're so tough, why not prove it?" said Artemis.

"What makes you think I'm a tough guy?" asked Patrick.

"Just…some stuff I heard," said Artemis.

"What stuff?" asked Patrick.

"You know, it doesn't really matter," said Artemis. "I mean, some of it just sounds ridiculous, and…"

"Don't lie, Arty," said Gary. "You even made some of that stuff up yourself."

"What? No I…" started Artemis.

"Wasn't it you that said Patrick had been to juvie?" said Gary.

"I said he looked like it," said Artemis. "But…"

"So what if I have?" said Patrick.

Gary and Artemis looked stunned. "Umm, what?" said Artemis.

"I said, so what if I have?" repeated Patrick.

"Wait, so, that was true?" said Gary.

"I've been known to be a bit of a bad boy," said Patrick.

"Good to know," said Artemis. "I used to be a criminal mastermind."

"Oh yeah? What did you do?" asked Gary.

"Blackmailed gold out of some fairies," said Artemis casually.

"That's pretty awesome," said Gary. "Hey, the three of us should make an alliance."

"Why?" asked Patrick.

"Think about it: Blossom's got her super team, and pretty much the entirety of the other team is on good terms with one another," said Gary. "It's really only a matter of time before they get rid of us."

"Yeah, okay, I'm in," said Patrick.

"It couldn't hurt," said Artemis.

""LOOK OUT!" came a cry. The boys looked up, and ducked just in time to avoid being hit by Noodle. "This thing is tougher than I thought it would be."

"Hit-Girl doesn't seem to be doing too badly," said Dorothy. "See, look at its eye. It's glowing. That must mean it's starting to overheat." This was followed by a loud explosion.

"Or, it has laser eyes," said Noodle, as Hit-Girl's body landed beside them.

"Oh dear. Mindy, are you okay?" asked Dorothy.

"Don't…*beep*…call…me…Mindy," wheezed Hit-Girl, before passing out.

"Hey, you guys saving anything for us?" called someone. The present Squirrels turned to see the Pelicans emerge from the trees, Max leading the charge. Max flew straight at the Sasquatch and swept its legs out from under it. The Sasquatch roared and punched Max as hard as it could, which sent her flying into Katniss.

Peter attempted to tie its hands behind its back with his webs, but the Sasquatch broke free easily. "Maybe you need something stronger than spider webs?" suggested Jake.

"I don't see you doing anything," said Peter.

"Fine, I will," said Jake, turning to face the Sasquatch. "EXPLODIO!"

"Jake, you can't do mag…" started Peter, just as an explosion erupted around the Sasquatch. "How did you do that?"

"Given how many people here have some kind of magical power, I figured it couldn't be too hard to do it," said Jake.

"Yeah, but most of us were either both with our powers, or inherited them in some way, and been trained to use them," said Peter. "Somehow, you just believed you could do something so much that you made it happen."

"Uhh, guys?" said Noodle. "It isn't dead yet." Sure enough, the mechanical skeleton that once was the Sasquatch emerged from the smoke, snarling at Jake.

"YEEHAW!" came a yell, and suddenly the robot looked stunned as it fell over, revealing Nora on its back. "Aww, it's broken," she said, disappointed.

"Thank God you saved me," said Chris. "Nora's team win the challenge."

"Not yet we don't," said Blossom, tying him up with her yo-yo. She then swung Chris across the clearing, placing him right in front of Chef. "Now we do."

"Congratulations, Psycho Squirrels," said Chef. "Now, for your additional reward…"

"What additional reward?" asked Chris, as nine fists suddenly punched him in the face. "OWW, MY NOSE!" he yelled. "YOU'VE…huh?"

"What is it?" asked Chef.

"I think that the nine simultaneous punches broke my nose in so many different places at once that they cancelled each other out," said Chris.

"Why does this show hate physics?" asked Artemis.

"You think that's bad? I know a girl named Coco whose handbag turns into a minigun," said Nora.

"I'm going to need an hour or so to process that," said Artemis.

"Just enough time for the other team to vote off their next player," said Chef.

"Don't bother," said Saeko. "I quit."

"What? Why?" asked Finn.

"Well, while we were distracted, Chris ran away again," said Saeko. "I'm not waiting another twenty episodes to get my revenge. I'm going to hunt him down myself, and kill him." Saeko turned and walked away.

"Best of luck," called Peter as she disappeared into the trees.

"And just like that, another contestant has been eliminated…" said Chef.

"Quit," said Shaggy.

"Who will go down next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can," said Chef.


	6. Total Drama Catch Him If You Can Afterma

Episode 5: Total Drama Catch Him If You Can Aftermath Part I

_Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants sliced in._

**Wallace**

"Grab what?"

**Lyra**

"It wasn't me who was flying, it was Pan."

**Marty**

"Okay, I scooped this up from the bottom of the river. I hope you're happy."

**Saeko**

"Don't bother. I quit."

_Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage._

"Hello everyone," said Geoff. "What's up? I'm Geoff."

"And I'm Bridgette," said Bridgette. "And have we got a show lined up for you."

"Have we?" asked Geoff.

"Of course we do Geoff," said Bridgette. "We have the four eliminated contestants here with us, plus That's Gonna Leave a Mark, and some never before seen footage."

"Are we sure we have the eliminated contestants?" asked Geoff. "Are we sure Wallace didn't avoid showing up somehow again?"

"No, I'm here," said Wallace, just offstage.

"Wallace, why are you still in the floor?" asked Bridgette.

"Because Chef hammered me into the floor," said Wallace.

"That was a month ago," said Geoff.

"I'm aware of that," said Wallace.

"How are you alive?" asked Bridgette.

"Someone spilled some barbeque sauce here," said Wallace.

Geoff and Bridgette look at each other confused. "O…kay," said Geoff. "Maybe we should bring out the Peanut Gallery."

"Yes, let's do that," said Bridgette. "Please welcome, Brick." Brick walks out, tripping over Wallace's head on the way.

"Eva," said Geoff. As Eva came out, she stepped on Wallace's head, forcing him through the floor.

"Jasmine," said Bridgette. Jasmine swung in on a rope and landed perfectly in her seat.

"Leonard," said Geoff. A puff of smoke appeared onstage, and as it was clearing Leonard was seen running onstage.

"Lindsay," said Bridgette. Lindsay was about to walk onstage, but fell into the hole made by Wallace when he was forced through it. "Ooh. Lindsay, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she called. "Wallace broke my fall."

"Speaking of which, would you mind getting off that?" asked Wallace. "Sorry, but you're really not my type."

"How can I not be your type? I'm like super-hot," said Lindsay.

"Moving on," said Geoff. "Please welcome Mike." Mike started walking out, but then got his shirt caught on a nail. Mike breathed in suddenly, and suddenly he was Vito.

"Can someone bring Mike a new shirt?" asked Bridgette. "Also, Owen's here." Owen walked out carrying a large pile of food.

"Sadie," said Geoff. Nothing happened. "I said, Sadie."

"No. Not without Katie," said Sadie from offstage.

"Oh jeez, not this again," said Geoff.

"Why do we even need her? It's not like we ever do anything anyway," said Eva.

"Yo, pretty lady, why don't you come on out?" said Vito.

"Ooh, you sound hot," said Sadie, appearing from backstage. Sadie climbed into the seating area and started snuggling up to Vito.

"Err, not quite what I had in mind," said Vito.

"If we can finish these introductions," said Bridgette impatiently. "Sky's here too." Sky came out from backstage, doing a backflip in the process.

"And finally, Zoey," said Geoff. Zoey came out carrying a spare shirt for Mike, which she immediately pulled over his head.

"Oh boy, I was Vito again, wasn't I?" said Mike.

"Yeah, but don't worry. You're back now," said Zoey.

"HEY! Bring back Vito," said Sadie.

"Sadie, Mike is spoken for," said Jasmine.

"I don't care. Vito's hotter," said Sadie, tugging at Mike's shirt.

"How is Vito hotter? We have the same body," said Mike, trying to push Sadie away.

"Don't worry Mike, I'mma coming," said Brick, turning to help Mike. Unfortunately, he slipped on his shoelaces.

"How'd he do that? He was sitting down," said Sky.

"Well, this is gonna take a while," said Geoff. "Maybe we should bring out the first guest."

"You mean Wallace?" asked Bridgette.

"Yeah, him," said Geoff. "Please welcome, Wallace." Wallace walked out from back stage and sat down. "So Wallace, third time wasn't the charm, eh?"

"Hey, I'm surprised I lasted that long," said Wallace.

"Umm…you were eliminated first," said Bridgette.

"So?" said Wallace.

"So, you couldn't have lasted less time than you did," said Bridgette.

"I could have failed to turn up," said Wallace.

"How could you fail to turn up? You started from the very spot season two finished," said Geoff.

"Which reminds me: season three started immediately after season two…" said Bridgette.

"If you can call three months immediate," muttered Wallace.

"So where did everyone who wasn't competing end up?" asked Bridgette.

"Yeah, one minute they were there, the next they weren't," said Wallace. "Oh well, nothing to do with me."

"You're not even curious?" asked Geoff.

"Should I be?" asked Wallace.

"They're you're friends," said Bridgette. "And I'm pretty sure Kevin is your brother."

"Why would you think that?" asked Wallace. "Also, most of them could kill a man with their bare hands. It doesn't matter what happened to them, they'll be fine."

"Okay, well I guess it's time for your call from home," said Geoff. A large TV screen dropped down, and Mobile appears on the screen.

"Hey, babe," said Wallace. "Lemme guess: Kieran's running out of characters to choose from?"

"Well, yes," said Mobile. "But then again, you are the only one to have competed in all three seasons. Which is weird, seeing as it's you."

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome," said Wallace. "So, what's everyone else up to? Is Scott fighting another evil ex yet?"

"Actually, if you recall correctly, Ramona's the one fighting exes now," said Mobile.

"Honestly, I thought Scott was on good terms with his exes," said Wallace. "Or at least, they weren't psychopaths. Oh well, I'll see you when I get back."

"See you," said Mobile as the screen cut out.

"So, who was that guy?" asked Bridgette.

"My boyfriend," said Wallace.

"Wait, so that means you're…" started Geoff.

"What is everyone's problem with saying gay? This fanfic is rated M for a reason," said Wallace.

"Good point," said Geoff. "Let's go on to That's Gonna Leave a Mark."

_An animation for That's Gonna Leave a Mark plays._

First up, Blossom, Noodle and Nora are in Chris's dressing room. "See? Not here," said Noodle.

"Well, at least I'm trying," said Blossom.

"Even though me and Noodle came up with a better idea," said Nora.

"Oh, shut up," said Blossom, smacking Nora with her yo-yo. Nora went flying out the door, and into the air. Looking down, she saw Hit-Girl holding Chris's moisturiser, taking on Ayane and Saeko.

"Found it," called Nora to the other two.

Next, as Blossom knocked a hole in the wall of the maze, a large chunk of it landed on Kenny. "Oh my God, I killed Kenny," said Blossom.

"You bastard," said Patrick.

"This joke was WAY too obvious," said Artemis.

Next, the Psycho Squirrels were throwing things at Blossom to see how she'd react. Eventually, she started hitting them all with her yo-yo.

And finally, Ayane, Finn and Saeko were slashing at the Sasquatch, when suddenly it turned on them, and clunked their heads together, knocking them all out.

The TV screen rose back into the roof and the camera cut back to Geoff and Bridgette. "Okay, time for our next guest," said Geoff.

"Let's hope he's washed the stink away," said Bridgette. "Please welcome, and hold your noses for, Marty."

Marty walked onstage and sat down. Wallace, Geoff and Bridgette moved slightly away from him. "Oh come on, I had like twelve showers today," he said.

"Yeesh, you must really hate Katniss for this," said Geoff.

"Damn right. Just for this, I'm going to team up with Light next time too," said Marty.

"So Marty, a devastating loss for you," said Bridgette. "Last time you were on you came sixth, this time you were the third elimination."

"Yeah, it sucks," said Marty. "I…"

Suddenly, a loud crash was heard, and the DeLorean crashed into the studio. The door of the car opened, revealing the Doc. "Marty. Thank God I found you," said Doc Brown.

"Doc? Where did you…" started Marty.

"No time Marty. We have to leave now," said the Doc. "Chris is planning terrible things."

"Isn't he being chased down by Saeko?" said Marty.

"He came do two things," said the Doc. "Now come on." Doc Brown grabbed Marty by the ear and dragged him into the car. Doc started the engine and it soon disappeared, leaving a trail of fire.

"Weird. My mother always told me not to let old men drag me into their cars," said Owen. "Or was that just for when they offer me candy?"

"Well, I guess we better go on to our next guest," said Bridgette. "Please welcome Little Miss Cheater a.k.a. Lyra." Lyra walks onstage and sits down.

"So Lyra, eliminated on a technicality," said Geoff. "Annoying, right?"

"I guess," said Lyra. "But then again, it's probably better I'm not competing. That show is dangerous."

"Then why'd you come back for a second series?" asked Bridgette.

"It was a spur of the moment thing," said Lyra. "I was thinking more about the adventure than the danger. Good thing Max and the others were there to protect me."

"Protect you from what? You left before they got to anything dangerous," said Bridgette.

"I'm not so sure about that," said Lyra.

"Well, should we go to your call from home?" asked Geoff. The TV dropped down from the roof, and Mrs. Coulter appeared on the screen.

"Do you guys pride yourselves in picking the worst possible person for me to hear from?" asked Lyra.

"Lyra, darling, that's no way to speak about your mother," said Mrs. Coulter.

"Yeah, we thought that since you hated your father, your mother would be a better choice," said Bridgette.

"Come on sweetie, I'm sure if we…" started Mrs. Coulter.

"*beep* off, bitch," said Lyra, leading to a surprised gasp from all present. The TV went blank and went back into the roof. "Thank you."

"So, we know your father killed your friend," said Bridgette. "What did your mother do?"

"She abducted kids and separated their dæmons from them," said Lyra.

"Wait, isn't a dæmon essentially a person's soul?" asked Bridgette.

"Yep," said Lyra.

"And people need a soul to live?" said Geoff.

"Yep," said Lyra.

"Yeesh…what a villain," said Bridgette.

"Speaking of villains," said Geoff. "Have you noticed that this season no-one's been noticeably evil?"

"I had noticed that," said Bridgette. "I thought we simply had a cast that respected one another."

"Not quite," said Geoff. "We found some footage that might shock you. Someone's up to something."

"Who?" asked Bridgette.

"Watch it and you might find out," said Geoff, playing the tape.

The first scene showed Lyra sitting next to the wall of the maze. "Psst," said a muffled voice.

"Who was that?" asked Lyra, looking around.

"Someone trying to help," said the voice. "Listen, if you want your team to win, you need to get your dæmon to become a bird and direct you."

"But Chef said we're not allowed to fly," said Lyra.

"But Pan isn't you," said the voice. "Technically, you're not cheating."

"I guess," said Lyra.

"Good girl," said the voice.

"Wait, who are…" said Lyra, looking behind the wall, only to find nothing there.

The scene changed, showing Marty on the bank of the river. "Man, I'm never gonna find something," he said. Suddenly, a small plopping sound was heard. Marty looked around, and found a small bag next to him. Attached was a note reading 'Use this'. Marty looked around for the person it came from, but couldn't see anyone. He shrugged his shoulders and took the bag.

Finally, Saeko was furiously looking for Chris. "Goddamn it, he's gone again," she said.

"That's because Chef wants it that way," said the voice from the first part.

"Who said that? What do you want?" demanded Saeko.

"A friend who wants the same thing you do," said the voice. "Think about it: Chef is getting paid to host a show where you need to chase Chris down. If you do it now, he doesn't get paid for a full season. If you want Chris, you'll need to do it yourself."

Saeko seemed to think for a minute. "I think you're right," she said. "Though I shouldn't really trust a person I can't see."

The voice chuckled. "Does it make a difference? You don't particularly want to be on this show, do you?" said the voice.

"True," said Saeko. "Okay, I'm going to go get Chris myself."

"Farewell," said the voice. The video cut off after this segment.

"What, I'm not important enough to be eliminated by a mysterious stranger?" said Wallace.

"Maybe it was someone on your team?" suggested Sky.

"Or maybe it was the disembodied voice of an evil hell spawn," said Leonard. Everyone stared at him. "Or it was someone on his team," he amended.

"Well, let's go on to our final guest," said Bridgette. "Please welcome Saeko." Nothing happened. "I said, please welcome Sae…"

"Ahh, Bridge, an intern just found this in her dressing room," said Geoff, handing her a note.

"'Dear Geoff and Bridgette'," read Bridgette. "'Sorry I can't be on your show, but Chris has to die – Saeko'. Is this Kieran's way of saying he's running out of time to finish the episode again?"

"Yep," said Geoff. "So guys, stay tuned for next time when we have more totally awesome scoops from Total Drama Catch Him If You Can. Until next time, seeya." The stage fades to black.


	7. Desert Desserts

Episode 6: Desert Desserts

In the middle of a large desert, Chef looks at a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "Just like every other week, the contestants were forced to do something they didn't want to do. This time, they had to save Chris from an enraged cyborg Sasquatch. Jake somehow managed to blow it up, but Nora had the final blow, helping her team win the challenge. Before someone could be voted out however, Saeko quit the show in order to hunt down Chris by herself." The camera cut back to Chef. "Four down, sixteen to go. Who's next? Find out now on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can."

_Intro song plays._

"Seriously, how does this keep happening?" asked Katniss. "I mean, swamp to forest is one thing, but forest to desert? Why didn't we notice anything?"

"It's all the magic of television," said Chef. "Now, today's challenge is…"

"To find water before we dehydrate?" asked Noodle.

"No. Why would we do that?" asked Chef. "Today's challenge is…"

"I'm starting to wonder why we thought you'd be a better host than Chris," said Finn.

"As I was saying," said Chef. "Your challenge is…"

"To bury Chris's corpse in the desert?" suggested Nora.

"Close," said Chef. "Your challenge is…"

"To be persistently interrupted by us?" suggested Patrick.

"How is that even a challenge?" demanded Chef. "Your challenge is…"

"Is this annoying yet?" asked Gary. Chef responded by punching him. "I'll take that as a yes."

"The next person who interrupts me will be forced to clean their wounds with salt and lemon juice," said Chef. The contestants immediately shut up. "Okay, now, your challenge is to steal Chris's ice-creams and to cross the desert."

The contestants stared at Chef in confusion. "Ice creams? Here?" said Ayane.

"Yeah, turns out Chris knew this was coming," said Chef. "So, he set up a couple of rest stops with nice, cold ice cream for when he crossed here."

"There are a lot of problems with that story," said Artemis. "First: how did Chris know one day we'd be hunting him down? And how is he keeping them cold? When did he have time to set these up? And if we're chasing Chris, wouldn't he already be at one of the rest stops, or at least be close to one?"

"The answer to that last question is simply we beat him here," said Chef. "The answer to the rest of them is *beep* you."

"That seems like as good a reason as any," said Hit-Girl.

Artemis sighed. "What's wrong with just a simple plot that makes sense?" said Artemis.

"Come on Arty, we got a challenge to win," said Blossom.

"My name is not Arty," said Artemis, following his team into the desert.

Meanwhile with the Raging Pelicans…

"Guys, I found a rest stop," said Katniss.

"So, how are we going to get rid of the ice-creams?" asked Peter.

"Are you kidding? We're going to eat them," said Finn.

"Can do," said Shaggy and Jake at the same time.

"Surely Chef wouldn't make it that easy," said Peter.

"Fine, more for me," said Max. "Which is good, because I burn through calories like no-one's business."

"Come on guys, surely Chef wouldn't…" started Peter.

"Peter, hot desert, cold food. Take it or leave it," said Ayane.

"Fine," said Peter, taking a tub for himself.

Meanwhile, with the Psycho Squirrels…

"Kenny's not looking too good back here," said Dorothy.

"That's what happens when you dress for the snow in the desert," said Gary. "Hey, is that the rest stop?"

"Yeah, I think it might be," said Blossom. "Quick, help me get rid of this ice cream."

"Can do," said Nora, opening a tub and tapping the bottom so that the contents would all tip out into her mouth.

"NOOO!" yelled Blossom, stopping her.

"Aww, why not?" Nora pouted.

"Chef will probably disqualify us for eating the ice cream," said Blossom. "As much as I want to eat it, we have to get rid of it."

"But Blossom, Kenny's dying," said Dorothy.

"Oh come on, surely Chef wouldn't let anyone die on this show," said Blossom.

"We didn't get a chance to introduce you to Carly, did we?" asked Dorothy.

"No, why?" said Blossom. "Actually, hold that thought." Blossom threw the boxes of ice cream into the air. "Spinning yo-attack," she yelled, firing her yo-yo at the boxes. The boxes exploded on impact. "Now, what were we talking about?"

"That Carly died on this show," said Dorothy.

"She looked alive," said Blossom. "Then again, so did Alice."

"One of Zidane's friends revived her," said Dorothy. "The point is, YOU KILLED KENNY!"

"You bas…" started Hit-Girl.

"We did this joke already," said Artemis. "Last episode, in fact."

"He's not dead yet," said Blossom. As she said this, Kenny slumped over. "NOW he's dead."

"He'll be fine in a few hours," said Patrick. "Come on, we have a challenge to win."

The Psycho Squirrels started running through the desert, catching up with the Raging Pelicans along the way. The two teams charged across the sand, trying to outpace one another…

…when they all crashed into a wall.

"What the?" said Jake, feeling the wall. "The wall is painted to look like there are miles of desert to go."

"Full credit to the artist," said Katniss. "But how do we get past?"

"You don't have to," said a voice. The contestants turned to see a door open, and Chef walked out. "Your challenge was to cross the desert and get rid of Chris's ice cream, which you did, although the Pelicans had the bright idea of eating them." The Psycho Squirrels glared at Blossom. "Therefore, the challenge has ended in a tie. Technically."

"How is it only technically?" asked Noodle.

"Because your teammate Kenny died," said Chef. "Therefore, he is today's eliminated contestant."

"How did he die?" asked Finn.

"Dehydration," said Artemis.

"Dehydration? The desert was half a mile wide," said Ayane.

"Five twelfths," corrected Chef.

"That raises an interesting question," said Peter. "Why did Chris have rest stops when the crossing was only half a mile…"

"Five twelfths," corrected Chef.

"…across," finished Peter.

"Because Chris. That's why," said Chef. "Now, we need to wrap this up, because we're running dangerously low on time to finish up. See you next week."


	8. Cliffhanger

Episode 7: Cliffhanger

At the foot of a big cliff, Chef looks into a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "The contestants had to cross a dangerous desert…"

"What danger? It was half a mile across," yelled Peter.

"Five twelfths," corrected Chef. "Anyway, they had to cross the dangerous desert I HEARD YOU ROLL YOUR EYES THERE PETER and dispose of Chris's ice cream. The Psycho Squirrels, or at least Blossom, thought I would punish them for eating something that would make it easier for them to finish the challenge, a decision that ultimately lost them the challenge, and lost them Kenny. As in he died." The camera cuts back to Chef. "And now we're doing another episode, so start reading if you somehow got this far down without doing so."

_Intro song plays._

"You're not very good at intros, are you Chef?" asked Max.

"Hey, I only took this job because it wouldn't make sense to have Chris hosting," said Chef.

"The show makes no sense as it is," said Katniss.

"Well, anyway, today's challenge is to climb this cliff," said Chef.

"So we can throw rocks at Chris from the top?" suggested Nora.

"Why does everything you say have to revolve around random acts of violence?" asked Dorothy.

"Don't you want to throw rocks at Chris?" said Nora.

"Well, yeah, but…" started Dorothy.

"Then what's the problem?" asked Nora.

"SILENCE!" yelled Chef. "No, we won't be throwing rocks at Chris. He's ahead of us."

"Wait, weren't we ahead of him last episode?" asked Finn.

"Yeah, but then he changed direction and now we're behind him," said Chef. "Or more accurately, below him."

"How did he climb up this entire cliff before we got here?" asked Ayane.

"He didn't," said Chef, pointing up. The contestants looked up and saw Chris struggling near the top of the cliff. "Now, off you go."

"Okay Peter, you will be invaluable for this challenge," said Katniss. "You can need to use your webs to get to the top of the cliff, then pull the rest of us up, except for Max who can fly herself up."

"That's only partially true," said Peter. "Even one by one, I'd have to use a lot of web to carry the five of you. I could end up exhausting my powers before I get all of you up."

"Don't worry about me, I'll get myself up," said Ayane, immediately starting her climb quite rapidly.

"Even four could be a stretch," said Peter.

"Hmm…how about two?" asked Katniss. "I can work with Finn if I need to. We'll just need a rope to help us."

"That I can do," said Peter, immediately spinning a large rope for the two of them.

"I'll stay below you guys and catch anyone who falls," said Max.

"Think you'll be fast enough to catch them?" asked Finn.

"Please," said Max dismissively.

While the Raging Pelicans discussed their tactics, the Psycho Squirrels discussed theirs…sort of.

"But why can't we use your yo-yo as a rope to pull us up?" asked Patrick.

"Don't you think Chef would call that cheating?" asked Blossom.

"You said that about the ice cream, and look where that got us," said Noodle. "Look, you don't have to carry everyone. I can climb up myself, Nora has her rocket hammer [Nora grinned with glee at this], and I'm sure Hit-Girl can manage just fine by herself."

"*beep* yeah I can," said Hit-Girl.

"Yes, I know that leaves four people, but two of them are scrawny," said Noodle.

"HEY!" yelled Artemis and Dorothy together.

"In fact, I'll carry Gary for you," said Noodle.

"And I can take Patrick," said Nora.

"I might be able to carry Dorothy," said Hit-Girl. "Really, you just need to carry Artemis."

"Yeah, but…" started Blossom.

"But what? Aren't you strong enough to carry both of us up?" asked Artemis.

"No, it's…" started Blossom.

"Can your yo-yo support our weight if necessary?" asked Artemis.

"Yeah, but…" started Blossom.

"Then what?" demanded Gary.

"As leader, I should come up with a plan," said Blossom.

"Are you *beep* kidding me?" said Patrick. "We have a plan. And a pretty good one at that. And while we're down here discussing tactics, the other team are working their way up the cliff. Even if you're not allowed to fly, Max is already doing it, so you'll be fine."

"But…" started Blossom.

"*beep* this, I'm going," said Hit-Girl, pulling out a rope. "Hold still Dorothy." Hit-Girl tied the rope tightly around Dorothy's waist, before pulling out a grappling hook gun.

"How do you propose on getting up there?" asked Dorothy as Hit-Girl fired at the top of the cliff. As soon as the grappling hook made contact, Hit-Girl pressed the retract button, and the two of them went flying up the cliff, Dorothy screaming all the way.

"Well, that was a thing," said Nora. "Come along Patrick."

"Okay, what are you gonna…" started Patrick, just as Nora brought out her hammer and smashed it into the ground. A large chunk of earth propelled Patrick into the air, just as Nora fired a rocket into the ground. This sent her flying up after Patrick, and she grabbed him on the way past.

"And once again, we flip the bird to physics," said Gary. "So, are you going to carry me up the cliff in an unnecessarily violent manner too?"

"No, I'll just stick to necessarily violent," said Noodle, swinging Gary onto her back and climbing the cliff easily.

Artemis turned to face Blossom. "So, are we going or not?" asked Artemis.

"No. Not until they recognise me as the leader," said Blossom.

"Fine. Stay here then. I'm at least going to try and climb this thing," said Artemis.

"How? You're not that strong," said Blossom.

"True, but if we're going to lose, I want to be seen as making an effort," said Artemis, starting his climb.

Blossom glared after him for a while. "I'll show them," she said. Blossom readied herself, then started flying straight up as fast as she could, flying past the rest of her team. As she landed, she turned to look down the cliff. "Hey, where is everyone?" she said, searching around. Then she noticed a pile of bodies lying at the foot of the cliff. "How did that happen?" She asked herself. "Oh wait." Blossom then recalled that, as she was flying up the cliff, she flew past Noodle and Gary with such force that the shockwaves caused Noodle to lose her footing. She then crashed through Nora and Patrick, separating Nora from her weapon. Then, when she got to the top, her shockwaves dislodged Hit-Girl's grappling hook. These six falling bodies in turn crashed into Artemis on the way down. "Oops," she said. "Quick guys, we can still win this," she called out to her team.

"Well, this is awkward," said Jake from behind her.

"Like, yeah, we're already up here," said Shaggy, indicating the rest of his team.

"The Raging Pelicans win," said Chef, earning a cheer from the Pelicans. Chef walked over to the cliff. "SQUIRRELS, IF AND WHEN YOU GET UP HERE, YOU CAN CAST YOUR VOTE ON WHO TO GET RID OF!" he yelled. Faint groans could be heard from the base of the cliff.

**Confession Cam: Artemis**

"I blame Blossom for my crushed ribs."

**Confession Cam: Nora**

"It's mutiny time."

**Confession Cam: Blossom**

"It was a freak accident. It could have happened to anyone."

Later, at the elimination ceremony…

"Okay, you guys know how it works," said Chef. "One of you losers is a bigger loser than the rest because your loser friends said so. And that person is not Artemis, Hit-Girl, Nora, Dorothy, Patrick, Noodle, or Gary." As he said each name, he threw a marshmallow to them.

"Wait, you're eliminating me?" said Blossom. "But I'm your leader."

"Yeah, we decided against that," said Hit-Girl. "Because, you know, you *beep* suck."

"While we're at it, we may as well elect a new leader," said Gary. "I propose myself."

"What's in it for me?" asked Nora.

"A job as my personal security guard and all the cookies you can eat," said Gary.

"GARY FOR PRESIDENT!" yelled Nora.

"But guys…" said Blossom, just as Chef smacked her into the ground with his hammer.

"I missed doing that," said Chef. "Now for the week long wait for the next episode."


	9. Mount Kill-A-Man

Episode 8: Mount Kill-A-Man

At the top of the cliff, Chef looks into the camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "The contestants were tasked with climbing a cliff. One team worked together, the other team had Blossom on it. The rest of the team tried, but she just couldn't do anything right. She was completely useless for her team. I mean she…"

"You do know I'm still stuck here in the ground and can hear you, right?" said Blossom.

"Just wanted to make sure you knew how unhelpful you were," said Chef. "Anyway, in case you haven't guessed, she was eliminated." The scene cut back to Chef. "Okay, now for the next episode, although I'm pretty sure most of you just scroll to the end to see who's been eliminated."

_Intro song plays._

"Well, this is new," said Max. "We're starting the episode from where we left off."

"That's because you're not done climbing," said Chef.

"What are you talking abou…WHAT THE *beep*?!" demanded Hit-Girl, noticing for the first time a large mountain range leading off into the distance from where they stood.

"And our next challenge is to cross that," said Ayane.

"Not quite," said Chef. "You just have to climb that one." Chef pointed at the nearest mountain.

"But that's the tallest one," said Finn.

"At what point did you think this show would be easy?" asked Chef.

"So we have to climb a mountain now. So what?" said Jake. "Can't be much worse than the cliff, right?"

"Oh, and you have to carry this expensive glassware," said Chef, handing each team a box of glass items.

"I'll assume there's a point to it," said Katniss.

"To make the challenge more challenging," said Chef. "The less broken glass, the more time I take off your total. However, if you see Chris, feel free to throw some of it at him."

"Will that take time off our score as well?" asked Noodle.

"Why not? I don't care, as long as someone gets hit with a hammer later," said Chef. "Now, before you go, I believe Nora needs to make her obligatory violent statement."

"AIM FOR THE EYES!" yelled Nora.

"Terrific," said Chef. "Off you go."

"So, should we just use the same strategy as last time?" asked Shaggy.

"It did work well," said Peter. "Though now we're carrying that glassware, and the climb isn't vertical. We can probably just walk up."

"I'll scout ahead and point out any big dangers," said Max, taking off into the air.

Meanwhile, with the Psycho Squirrels…

"Look guys, we don't just need to win, we need to identify a key player to get rid of," said Artemis.

"Yeah, slight problem with that," said Gary. "With the possible exception of Jake, the rest of them are a pretty solid team. Of the rest of the team, Shaggy isn't a fighter, but he makes up for it by being the second fastest runner, losing only to a ninja."

"So what, the team is untouchable?" asked Patrick.

"I didn't say that. I just think we need to try and turn a few of them against the rest of them," said Gary.

"But who?" asked Artemis. "Like you said, the only weak part of the team is Jake, and he's hardly a loss."

"Well, what do we know about them?" asked Gary.

"From what I can gather, Katniss and Finn are united after suffering at Light's manipulation in season one," said Artemis. "They've now formed a pretty strong team and have way too much trust in each other to break up. Peter is a superhero, and a pretty moral one at that, so getting rid of him will be difficult. Shaggy doesn't seem like the sort to betray his friends, so I doubt they'll believe he'd do anything traitorous. That leaves Max and Ayane."

"Well? What about them?" asked Patrick.

"Max has a natural distrust of people due to some scientists conducting horrible experiments on her for the first twelve years of her life," said Artemis. "She has some trust in her teammates, but hardly enough to counter what she went through. As for Ayane, she just generally likes to work alone. Any excuse to get rid of her teammates would appeal to her."

"Nice observations Artemis," said Gary. "We might be able to drive a wedge between a few of them, thus giving us an edge, now that Nora is on our side."

"Speaking of which, we might need to pick up the pace so we don't attract attention to ourselves," said Artemis, running to catch up to their teammates.

"Smart kid," said Patrick.

"Indeed," said Gary. "That's why we can't trust him."

"Huh? Why?" said Patrick.

"Because he's so smart, it's safe to assume he knows how to get rid of anyone, including us," said Gary. "Did you see how easily he picked apart the other team? And he hasn't even spent that much time with them. Not to mention he used to be a criminal mastermind."

"But you recruited him to our side," said Patrick.

"Because he needs allies too," said Gary. "As soon as we become useless, he'll dispose of us."

"Hmm, I suppose you have a point," said Patrick. "So, what do we do?"

"For now, we need him," said Gary. "We find out what he's planning to do, then turn it against him. It's our only hope."

"Okay, I'm in," said Patrick.

"Hey, what are you guys doing back there?" called Artemis.

"Sorry," Gary called back. Turning to Patrick he mouthed 'watch him'.

The two teams continued up the mountain practically side by side, until Max swooped in low near her team. "Danger ahead," she said.

"What kind of danger?" asked Finn, drawing his sword.

"Giant spider kind of danger," said Max, holding a fistful of webs.

"Bring it," said Ayane, drawing her double-ended sword.

The contestants continued up the mountain, until…

"Hey, look. Grimm," said Nora. "I didn't even know that there were spider any Grimm."

"That's not a Grimm. That's…SHELOB?!" said Peter, in shock. "I thought Annabeth killed it."

"Wait, Annabeth the arachnophobe killed a giant spider?" said Ayane. "I'm actually impressed."

"Guys. Fight. Now," said Katniss, firing an arrow at the spider. "Jake, Shaggy, you guys take the glass and keep going."

"Same goes for you Dorothy," said Noodle. "Sorry girl, but…"

"I know, I can't fight that thing," said Dorothy, taking the glass. "Good luck."

"The boys should go too," said Hit-Girl. "God knows they'll just get in the way."

"I will not," said Patrick. "Watch." Patrick picked up a rock and threw it at Shelob. It missed by a long way, and hit Finn right between the eyes. "Oops…Well, I'll be seeing you."

Meanwhile, up the mountain…

"Hey Shaggy, there's Chef," said Jake. "We did it, we won." With a triumphant yell, Jake threw the glass at the ground.

"Congratulations Pelicans," said Chef. "You made it up the mountain first. But now you have to cross the finish line."

"What finish line?" asked Jake, before seeing Dorothy cross a black and white line right in front of Chef. "*beep*," said Jake. "Shaggy, you've gotta tell the others it was an accident."

"Or you can explain why you need Shaggy to tell us it was an accident," said someone behind him. Jake turned his head slowly, only to look in the enraged faces of his other five teammates.

"*beep*," said Jake.

"Do you guys want to go for a vote, or should I just smack Jake into the ground?" asked Chef.

"Go nuts," said Finn.

"Wait, you don't know who I was going to vote for," said Jake, just as the hammer came crashing down on him.

"I love doing that," said Chef. "Now, imagine I said something interesting and thought provoking to make you want to read the next episode of this fanfic."


	10. Total Drama Catch Him If You Can Part II

Episode 9: Total Drama Catch Him If You Can Part II

_Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants sliced in._

**Blossom**

"As leader, I should come up with a plan."

**Jake**

"What finish line? *beep*. Shaggy, you've gotta tell the others it was an accident."

_Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage._

"Hey guys, what's up?" said Geoff. "Welcome to another episode of Aftermath. I'm Geoff."

"And I'm Bridgette," said Bridgette. "And tonight we've got some goodies for you."

"That's right Bridge," said Geoff. "Not only do we have That's Gonna Leave a Mark and a tribute for Kenny, but also interviews with the two surviving eliminated contestants."

"But before we can do that, we need to bring out the Peanut Gallery," said Bridgette. "Please welcome Alejerk…"

"Three seasons in a row? Really Bridgette?" interrupted Alejandro as he came out and took his seat.

"We also have Amy," said Geoff.

Amy tried to backflip onstage, and messed it up. "Damn it Samey," she said, before taking her seat.

"Anne Maria," said Bridgette. Anne Maria came onstage, spraying hairspray into her hair. As she took her seat, Alejandro and Amy started coughing.

"Beardo," said Geoff. Beardo came out, making a kind of 'boop' noise as he took each step.

"Cody," said Bridgette. Cody walked out, giving a thumbs up and a wink to the audience.

"Duncan," said Geoff. Duncam was wheeled in, locked in a cage, and chained down, wearing a straitjacket.

"Katie," said Bridgette. Katie ran onstage and immediately snuggled up to Alejandro. Alejandro casually lifted her up and moved her away from him.

"Lightning," said Geoff. Lightning ran onstage, leapt over the back of the seating area, and took his seat.

"Scott," said Bridgette. Scott poked his head out from behind the curtain, checking for Fang. Satisfied that he wasn't there, he walked onstage and took his seat.

"And Sugar," said Geoff. Sugar walked onstage, eating a large pile of fruits. Except…

"Err, Sugar? Where did you get that?" asked Bridgette.

"The storage closet. Where else?" responded Sugar.

"That…was prop fruit," said Geoff. "It's not real food."

"Then why's it taste so good?" asked Sugar, eating another piece.

"It's made of Styrofoam and rubber bands," said Bridgette.

"So?" said Sugar.

"Yikes, it's like the female Owen," said Duncan. "She even has the same weight as him."

"More cushion for the pushin'," said Sugar.

"Okay, I did NOT want to think about that," said Alejandro.

"Not even with me?" said Katie.

"I'm dating Heather," said Alejandro.

"Okay, in the past eight seconds, I have heard the two worst things any human can possibly hear," said Cody.

"Well, we've gotten off to a terrible start, and this is coming from a fanfiction with little regard for continuity," said Geoff. "Let's try and salvage some of our remaining dignity by bringing out our first guest."

"Yes, let's do that," said Bridgette. "He was eliminated for prematurely celebrating victory. Please welcome Jake." Jake walked onstage, looking slightly annoyed.

"Well Jake, you do not look happy," said Geoff. "Is it because you got voted off?"

"No, I'm over that," said Jake. "It's about what Bridgette said just now."

"What? What did I say?" asked Bridgette.

"About me being premature," said Jake. "I am NOT premature."

"I just said you celebrated too early," said Bridgette.

Jake paused for a moment. "Oh," he said. "I thought you meant…"

"Anyway," interrupted Geoff. "Two seasons in a row now you've been eliminated before the merge. How does it feel?"

"What's a merge?" asked Jake.

"When the two teams are dissolved and it's everyone for themselves," said Bridgette.

"They do that?" said Jake.

"Okay, I can see where not really going to progress with this line of questioning," said Geoff. "Shall we go to your call from home?"

"Why not?" said Jake, as the giant TV came down from the roof. On it appeared Eldridge's face.

"Yo man, what's up?" said Jake.

"What's up Jake is that you're up for treason," said Eldridge.

"What? Why?" said Jake.

"Seriously? You've been M. I. A. for over a year now. The army doesn't look kindly on that kind of thing," said Eldridge.

"As if that's my fault," said Jake. "I was trapped in an interdimensional hell vortex."

"Yes, I'm sure everyone will accept that as an excuse," said Eldridge. "Well, see you when and if they don't shoot you on sight." The screen cut out and the TV rose back into the roof.

"Why did we put that thing back up? We're literally moving straight on to That's Gonna Leave a Mark," said Geoff as the TV came back down.

_Animation plays for That's Gonna Leave a Mark._

The first scene was the contestants in the desert. "The next person who interrupts me will be forced to clean their wounds with salt and lemon juice," said Chef.

"But what if…" started Jake, when Chef ran at him with a knife.

In the next scene, Nora had sent Patrick flying into the air. After she grabbed him, the two of them were flying too close to the edge of the cliff, leading to Patrick repeatedly hitting his head against the rocks.

And finally, on top of the mountain, Chef smacks Jake into the ground, exactly where he smashed his team's glass.

The TV screen rose back into the roof. "Wow, you took a bit of punishment back there," said Geoff.

"They had to put about six layers of makeup on to cover the scars," said Jake.

"Okay, well, time for guest number two," said Bridgette. "She's here as a result of a mutiny, please welcome Blossom." Blossom flew onstage and took a seat.

"So Blossom, betrayed by your own team," said Geoff. "Sucks, right?"

"Well, yeah," said Blossom. "I mean, now who's gonna lead them?"

"Gary. He volunteered for the job seconds after you were eliminated," said Jake.

"I KNEW it. He orchestrated the whole thing, to get me eliminated so he could take over as leader," said Blossom.

"I doubt it," said Bridgette. "If anything, we should be worried about Artemis."

"Fine, believe what you want," said Blossom. "But I'll be here to say I told you so when I'm right."

"You won't be," said Geoff. "Now, let's go to your call from home." The TV dropped down from the roof, and revealed Professor Utonium on the screen.

"Blossom, there you are," said the professor. "You've gotta come back to Townsville."

"Why? What's wrong?" asked Blossom.

"What's wrong is that Mojo has built another robot," said the professor.

"And?" said Blossom.

"And what?" asked the professor.

"It can't just be Mojo if you need to be immediately. Bubbles and Buttercup can take him out easily. Without the other if necessary," said Blossom.

"See, the thing is…" started the professor.

"Oh God he's kidnapped them," said Blossom.

"Yep," said the professor.

Blossom sighed. "Okay, I'll be there as soon as I figure out which part of the world I'm even in," she said.

"But first, you're going to sit through a memorial for Kenny," said Geoff.

"WHAT?! People's lives are at stake, or you're only concerned about your show?" demanded the professor.

"Sorry, can't hear you," said Geoff as the screen cut out. "Now Blossom, you're gonna sit right there and watch this, since you were the one to cause it."

"But what if I…" started Blossom, just as some straps burst from the couch and tied her down. "Oh."

"Oh indeed," said Geoff. "Now, play the…"

"Mmf mmf mmf," came an all too familiar muffling, as Kenny came in from the side of the stage.

"Kenny?" said Bridgette. "But how? How are you alive?"

"Mmf, mmf mmf mmf mmf mmf, mmf mmf mmf mmf," said Kenny.

"Okay, that's fair enough," said Geoff.

"Okay, since he's alive, can I go now?" asked Blossom.

"Well, I guess," said Geoff. "But…" Before he could finish, Blossom burst from her seat and through the roof.

"I think what Geoff was about to say was that we're out of time," said Bridgette.

"But Lightning didn't even get a line yet," said Lightning.

"Or me," said Scott.

"Or me," said Anne Maria.

"You did now," said Geoff. "Seeya next time."


	11. I Lava You

Episode 10: I Lava You

The scene opens with Chef standing on top of the mountain. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "The contestants climbed a mountain, fought a spider, and Jake screwed up. Any questions? Good. Start the show."

_Intro song plays._

"Honestly, your intros are getting worse," said Katniss.

"I think we just broke the fourth wall in record time," said Finn.

"Who is writing this fanfic? Deadpool?" asked Peter.

"You done?" asked Max. "Because the fact that we're where we finished up last time means there's something in the immediate vicinity we didn't notice and won't notice until it's pointed out to us."

"You mean like that?" said Nora, pointing out a large lake of lava right next to them.

"Yes, exactly like that," said Max.

"Okay, seriously, we've been standing here for two weeks, and no-one thought to look left and see this?" said Hit-Girl. "Though it would explain the extreme heat around here."

"I did, but I couldn't say anything until this episode came out," said Patrick. "Kinda how a narrative works, you know?"

"Not even two hundred words in and we've obliterated the fourth and fifth walls," said Artemis. "The author must be so proud."

"Not to rush you, but it's Sunday night, this episode needs to be finished by Wednesday, and we haven't even gotten to what the challenge is," said Chef.

"I stand corrected: sixth," said Artemis.

"And now for your challenge," said Chef. "You need to cross that lava." The contestants stared at him for a moment. "Well? What are you waiting for?"

"The real challenge," said Noodle.

"I just told you: get across the lava," said Chef. "Pretty simple, really."

"Fine, you do it then," said Gary.

"*beep* that *beep*, I'd be burnt to death," said Chef.

"And yet, you expect us to do it," said Ayane.

"You're expendable," said Chef. "Now, get going."

"Or else what?" asked Hit-Girl.

"Or else I'll throw you across," said Chef. "And I can't promise I'll get you the whole way across."

"I have an idea," said Dorothy. She closed her eyes and started tapping her shoes together. "There's no place like the other side of the lake. There's no place like the other side of the lake. There's no place like the other side of the lake." Suddenly, Dorothy disappeared from sight.

"Umm…did anyone else know she could teleport?" asked Patrick.

"As her only teammate from last season, I can honestly say she has never done that," said Shaggy.

"So, is there a way across without dying?" asked Katniss.

"Maybe," said Chef. "You'll know soon enough."

"Like, I don't think he's going to be very helpful," said Shaggy.

"Yeah, I got that," said Peter. "So, what do we do? I can't swing across, since we're higher than everything around here. I'm also not sure my webs are fireproof."

"We could go around," suggested Finn.

"Nope, you have to go across the lake at some point," said Chef.

"I don't suppose you could carry us Max?" said Finn.

"Sorry," said Max. "I don't reckon I'd get more than two of you across before I wore myself out."

"Uh, guys?" said Peter. "The other team has found stepping stones." Sure enough, the other team were carefully making their way across the lava on rocks sticking up above the surface of the lake.

"Now that's just an accident waiting to happen," said Katniss. "Come on, we have a challenge to win."

"We're not seriously going to try that," said Shaggy. "Are we?"

"You could try swimming," suggested Ayane.

"Stepping stones it is," said Shaggy, leading the way.

Meanwhile, further along the stepping stones …

"Here they come," said Gary. "Nora, stall them."

"Gary, we're barely jumping from stone to stone safely ourselves," said Artemis. "Sending Nora after them will probably kill them."

"She'd probably do that anyway," said Gary. "And besides, if they fall in, we win by default."

"Seriously? Victory by murder is just…wrong," said Artemis.

"Like I'm gonna take morality advice from a supervillain," said Gary. "Besides, Nora's already over there." Gary indicated over his shoulder that Nora had already reached the other team. "Most of the team can fight back anyway. They'll be fine. Come on." Gary started off after the rest of their team. Artemis hesitated, carefully considering which way to go before making his decision.

Meanwhile, the Pelicans were facing Nora…

"Guys, I'll distract her. You guys go ahead," said Ayane, drawing her double-ended sword. She charged at Nora, who blocked her first attack with her hammer. Ayane continued on the offensive until all her teammates had made it past her. "You know, your boyfriend made me fight on lava once."

"Say what?" said Nora, blocking another attack.

The two of them continued fighting, until Nora managed to knock Ayane away from her. Ayane landed on the rock with such force that it started to crack. Nora changed her hammer into its rocket launcher form, preparing to fire. "Purple make a pink boom," she said, pulling the trigger.

"NORA! NOO!" yelled Artemis, charging into her. The force of Artemis's attack was enough to throw Nora off-balance for a moment, just long enough for her shot to fly safely over Ayane's head. Artemis wasn't so lucky, slipping off the side of the rock he was on. At the last second, he managed to grab hold of the edge and hang on.

"Hang on, Arty," said Nora, reaching out for him.

"Leave him," said Gary, appearing behind her.

"But he could fall in," said Nora.

"Let him. He's a traitor," said Gary. "Now come on, before I tell everyone else you're a traitor too."

"But…" started Nora.

"I have pancakes," said Gary.

"Sold," said Nora, grabbing Gary and firing her hammer into the rock to help them catch up to their team.

"No, WAIT," yelled Artemis, as the blast made the rock crumble. As Artemis felt his fingers slip, he felt someone grab him around the waist and carry him to another rock.

"AHH! *beep*," yelled the figure, which turned out to be…

"Shaggy?" said Artemis. "But…how?"

Shaggy winced in pain as he addressed Artemis. "Like, when I saw you going back, I figured you must be up to something, and I know you're not stupid enough to try and take on Ayane. So, like, I came back, and when I saw you slipping, I knew I had to save you."

"What about Ayane? She was closer," said Artemis.

"I was busy avoiding Nora's persistent rocket blasts," said Ayane, appearing next to them. "I think Gary told her to aim them wherever I was as they went past."

"Are you okay?" asked Artemis.

"I'm fine, but Shaggy is pretty badly burnt," said Ayane.

"How bad is it?" asked Shaggy.

"Well, it's still on fire, for one thing," said Ayane, calmly putting out the blaze. "The main question is: can either of you move?"

"I don't think so," aid Shaggy.

"Right now, yes, but I'm not sure I'd get to the other side," said Artemis.

"Goddammit," said Ayane. "MAX! Your assistance is required."

"I figured," said Max, landing beside them. "I'll take Artemis. He'll be easier for me to carry."

"Fine by me," said Ayane, hoisting Shaggy onto her back.

"I wouldn't normally do this for an opponent," said Max, picking up Artemis as they took off. "But you did save Ayane's life. This is basically just repaying the debt our team owes you."

"So, if I hadn't done that, you'd have left me on the rock?" said Artemis.

"We might have come back after we'd won the challenge," said Max. "Of course, there's no guarantee you wouldn't be ashes by then, but…"

"I get it," said Artemis.

About a minute later, Max landed on the other side of the lake, dropping Artemis in front of her. Shortly after they arrived, Ayane appeared with Shaggy. "Congratulations contestants on making it across the lake," said Chef.

"How did you get here before us?" asked Hit-Girl.

"Because the plot demanded it," said Chef. ("Seventh," said Artemis, but no-one paid any attention.) "Now, since all the members of the Psycho Squirrels made it here first, they win today's challenge." The members of the Squirrels let out a loud cheer. "As for the Raging Pelicans…"

"I quit," said Shaggy, lying on the ground.

"What?" asked Chef.

"I don't think I can continue," said Shaggy. "So, I quit."

"Well, you heard the man," said Chef, pulling out his mallet.

"Should you really be doing that to a man with those burns?" asked Artemis.

"Don't know, don't care," said Chef, smacking Shaggy into the ground. "Now, is there anything else before we end the show?"

"Yes," said Artemis. "I'd like to thank Shaggy and his team for saving my li…"

"Ooh, outta time," said Chef. "Bye."


	12. I Wonder How Many Other TLC Songs I Can

Episode 11: I Wonder How Many Other TLC Songs I Can Reference In an Episode about a Waterfall

The scene opens with Chef on the bank of a river. He looks up at the title. "There is no way that's gonna fit in the chapter title section on either of the sites we're on," he said, before turning to face the camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "We started by murdering the fourth wall in front of its babies, before murdering them too, making walls one, two, and three go into witness protection. Then I made the contestants cross a lake of lava. Amazingly, the only one hurt was Shaggy, and that was only because he was saving Artemis, who has been branded a traitor by his team." The scene cuts back to Chef. "There Katniss, are you happy with that intro?"

"It's an improvement," said Katniss.

"Good. Start the show," said Chef.

_Intro song plays._

"We're not where we finished last time," said Max. "Anyone see how it happened?"

"I thought I saw some kind of blue and red streak," said Peter. "My guess is that Ayane used her ninja speed to carry us here, and was travelling so fast her purple split."

"It wasn't me, I swear," said Ayane. "I couldn't carry you all here and still have strength to compete if I did."

"Then what keeps doing that?" asked Finn.

"Maybe it's some kind of hint at a season four competitor?" suggested Katniss.

"Oh, come on, like he's gonna do a season four," said Finn. "I mean, the goal of this season is to kill Chris. Where would he go from there?"

"This show has just barely enough continuity to pass for a narrative. I'm sure a fourth season is doable," said Katniss.

"So Chef, what's the red light special for this week?" asked Noodle.

"Well, it involves CHASING and WATERFALLS," said Chef.

"Good thing they don't move around much. They'll be easy to catch," said Nora.

"No, you don't have to…wait, how many waterfalls have you chased?" asked Chef.

"None yet," said Nora. "But let's face it: my weapon of choice is a hammer that turns into a bazooka, one of my friends is a real-life cat girl, and another is a fifteen year old girl who took down a bunch of hired thugs. Is battling sentient landmasses such a big stretch?"

"Wow, that was almost insightful," said Artemis.

"Shut up, traitor," said Patrick.

"How many times do I have to tell you: Nora was about to kill Ayane on Gary's orders. Could you live with that?" demanded Artemis.

"You're missing the main point here: you went against your team," said Gary. "Why should we trust you? Keeping in mind, you have confessed to being a criminal mastermind."

"How about you explain where you get off attempting to murder someone?" said Artemis.

"We're in competition," said Gary. "Isn't that right guys?"

"Exactly," said Patrick.

"He's right," said Nora.

"I don't know…" said Dorothy. "I mean, that might have been a little too…"

"Are you trying to say you won't help the team?" said Gary.

"No, I…" started Dorothy.

"I'd interrupt you to tell you that you have a challenge to do, but this is much more entertaining," said Chef.

"Just do it," said Hit-Girl. "They'll probably be like this for a while."

"Okay, well, as you know, you're chasing Chris," said Chef. "Well, he went down there." Chef pointed to where a river was suddenly cut off by a large cliff.

"So…he's dead?" said Finn.

"No, he took the stairs," said Chef.

"What? That doesn't make any…you know what? Forget it. The answer will only confuse me more," said Finn.

"Exactly, now shut up," said Chef. "Now, Chris may have gotten down a safe way, but you will not. You will be climbing down the waterfall."

"Climbing?" said Katniss. "You mean like rock climbing?"

"Yes," said Chef.

"Down a waterfall?" said Katniss.

"Yes," repeated Chef.

"On slippery rock, with hundreds of gallons of water splashing down on us every second?" said Katniss.

"Yes," repeated Chef.

"Anything else to make this challenge dangerous?" asked Katniss.

"I'll be firing things at you from up here," said Chef.

"I shouldn't have asked," said Katniss.

"You will also be wearing these fall belts," said Chef, handing them out. "They will keep track of how far you fall when you do. The team who collectively falls the furthest loses. Off you go."

"Alright guys, we should be able to win this time," said Peter. "Not only are there less of us to fall, but even if we do, I'll just catch you with my web."

"Just for that, I'm going to aim at you guys more than the other team," said Chef.

"Should have kept your mouth shut," said Ayane. "Well, we're still in a pretty good position. Dorothy and Artemis aren't that strong. They'll probably fall in the early stages anyway."

"I do plan to save them," said Peter. "I will let them fall a little first though, then let them hang until their teammates catch up."

"Guys, start climbing," said Chef. "The other team are already going." Sure enough, the other team had already managed to climb down about hundred feet.

"Alright guys, hang on," said Peter, spinning a bunch of webs. "Make sure you're wrapped up nice and tightly, so we can descend without any problems."

"Hey, why doesn't Max just fly down?" asked Finn.

"Because I doubt these belts can tell the difference between flying and falling," said Max.

"Damn right," said Chef. "Now get going." Without another word, Chef kicked Peter off the cliff, dragging his teammates with him.

As quickly as possible, Peter fired off several webs, halting his team's fall. "Everyone okay?" he called down to his team.

"We're alive, so there's that," said Katniss.

"We've fallen about fifty feet," said Max, before suddenly being struck by a large object. She fell a short distance before Peter caught her in a web. "What was that?" she demanded.

"I told you I'd be firing stuff at you," said Chef, reloading and taking aim.

"We gotta move," said Ayane, climbing down as quickly as she could. However, after a couple of seconds she accidentally knocked a few rocks loose.

"Not so fast Ayane," said Katniss. "Just creep."

"I ain't too proud to beg you not to use another TLC reference," said Ayane. "Wait a minute…"

"Jeez, that thing Chef hit me with is gonna leave me feeling damn unpretty," said Max.

"You guys are just *beep* with me, aren't you?" said Ayane.

"Look, we don't want no scrubs…" started Finn. Before he could continue, Ayane punched him in the face. "Worth it," he said.

The team continued working their way down the waterfall, when suddenly a large, pointy object hit Peter in the face. "AHH! MY EYE!" he screamed. "MY LEFT EYE IS GONE! In a challenge where we keep referring to TLC."

"That's gonna upset some people," said Katniss.

"We won't regret it unless we survive," said Finn, pointing down. Sure enough, the entire team was falling.

"Max, can you do anything?" asked Katniss.

"At best, I might be able to slow us down so we don't die on impact," said Max.

"Good enough for me. Do it," said Ayane.

Max opened her wings as wide as she could. "Just an FYI: we're probably going to lose now," she said.

"Whatever. At least we'll be alive," said Finn.

"And we might not be in very good shape, seeing as how I'm just barely able to slow us down enough to keep us alive," she continued.

"Not if I can help it," said Peter.

"Relax. You're injured. You don't have to do anything," said Katniss.

"But what about my friends?" said Peter. "I'll quit when we land. But first…" Peter took a deep breath, then started firing dozens of webs off at the same time. Many of them broke under the strain of five people, some didn't even hit a solid surface, but luckily enough of Peter's webs were able to hold strong and slow their fall until the group hit the ground.

"I think we just won," said Patrick as the other team hit the ground.

"Indeed you did," said Chef. "Now the Pelicans need to vote someone off."

"That's okay. I quit," said Peter.

"Oh, if you think I'm gonna let you leave that easily…" said Chef.

"Actually, we'd simply vote him off ourselves because of his injury," said Ayane.

"Well, the other team…" started Chef.

"I vote Peter," said Dorothy.

"Second," said Noodle.

"Third," said Artemis.

"And I make the majority," said Hit-Girl. "Now *beep* eliminate him so he can go to the hospital."

"Fine," Chef sighed, pulling out his mallet.

"Don't do…" started Dorothy as Chef struck him. "…that."

"There. He's out. See you next week," said Chef.

"Wait, isn't that New Year's Eve?" said Patrick.

"Is there a problem?" asked Chef.

"We're working on a holiday?" said Nora.

"We don't get holidays. We're fiction," said Chef. "Now, I'm ending this before I get any more complaints."


	13. River RUN!

Episode 12: River RUN!

On the bank of a river, Chef looked into a camera. "Last time on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can." Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. "We did a more intensive version of a joke from The Other Guys, and made fun of a dead woman in the process. Just in case you needed any more evidence that Kieran's not going to heaven. Also, I have Peter's eye in a jar."

"I really think to should give that back," said Finn. "I mean, I may not be able to get my arm back, back Peter might like his eye."

"Screw that, I want a souvenir," said Chef. "Now, let's start the show."

_Intro song plays._

"So Chef, what's our challenge?" asked Noodle.

Chef replied by picking her up and throwing her in the river. "Get in the water. Stay in there until you reach the finish line by travelling downstream. Anyone who gets onto dry land is disqualified. Last one across is eliminated. Any questions?"

"Yeah, why have the last two challenges involved water?" asked Katniss.

"Maybe Chef likes getting us wet?" suggested Nora.

Every contestant still present stared at her. "Nora, most of us, yourself included, are underage," said Ayane.

"But she's right," said Chef. The contestants looked at him, horrified. "Just not in the way you think," he finished, immediately pushing Artemis and Dorothy into the water. "Now, Noodle will probably be fine without your help. They won't. Get going."

"Personally, I don't think there's enough tetanus shots in the world to warrant swimming when you have a prophetic arm," said Finn.

Chef responded by throwing him into the river. "How many of you do I have to throw in?" he demanded.

"Don't worry about it," said Nora, drawing her hammer. She raised it above head, and brought it down hard on the ground. The earth beneath the contestants started breaking away, until the group fell into the water.

"Was that really necessary, Nora?" spluttered Gary.

"No, but it was fun," said Nora.

"It's not that bad," said Max, casually backstroking past them.

"Okay, why is bird kid not affected by this?" asked Patrick. "It's not like she has gills or something."

"Actually…" started Max.

"Bull*beep*," said Patrick. "Why and how did you get gills?"

"Because the plot of my books demanded it," said Max. "Literally, that's the only way I can explain half my powers."

"The power of convenience. Just like Superman," said Hit-Girl.

"You would talk *beep* about Superman," said Gary.

"You guys do know that Chef will probably have a waterfall up ahead, right?" said Katniss.

"No he wouldn't," said Nora.

"Yes he would," called Artemis from up ahead.

The contestants looked ahead, but couldn't see him. "Where you are?" called Finn.

"Hanging onto a conveniently placed tree branch," said Artemis. "And Dorothy is hanging onto my legs, so the fact that this thing hasn't snapped yet is nothing short of a miracle."

"It'll probably break right as we're about to rescue you, but before you fall too far Noodle will catch you," said Patrick.

"I don't think so. I can't see Noodle anywhere," said Dorothy.

"Also, why would we rescue Artemis?" asked Gary.

"Hang in there guys," said Finn. "Katniss, lower me down."

"Uhh, Finn?" said Artemis. "You realise that even if you pull us back up, we're just going to have to go back over because the finish line is in that direction?"

"Shut up and take his hand," said Dorothy, barely hanging on. Artemis reached out for Finn's hand, just as the branch broke. The two of them fell for a second, before getting caught by Noodle, who was hanging from another branch by her legs.

"Called it," said Patrick.

"How the hell did you call that?" demanded Artemis.

"Why not just be thankful that I was in exactly the right spot to save your life?" asked Noodle.

"It's a perfectly legitimate question," said Artemis. "There is no way Patrick could have known you were there."

"Just be thankful for it," said Noodle. "Now, brace yourself. I'm going to throw you both back into the river, and I'll try to avoid the sharp rocks over there."

"What sharp ro…" started Dorothy, as she was flung downstream. Artemis followed soon behind her, and Noodle came after him, doing a backflip in the process.

"Alright, ready guys?" said Katniss. Her team nodded in agreement. "LET'S GO!" The four remaining Pelicans threw themselves over the waterfall together.

As they were falling, Finn felt something hard smack into the back of his head. He lost consciousness and began falling towards the ground, not the river. "FINN!" cried Max, swooping after him. Max caught Finn easily, but he was too heavy for her and she crashed into the earth. Luckily for Finn, Max took the brunt of the fall, but she knocked herself out in the process. She bounced along the ground for a little while, before stopping next to the river. Finn's body rolled into the water, and Max's followed.

"Don't worry guys, we got you," said Katniss, dragging Finn's head above water, while Ayane did the same for Max.

"Katniss, up ahead," said Ayane, pointing out the rocks they were coming up to.

"This is gonna hurt," said Katniss, bracing herself to take the impact and protecting Finn's body with her own. For the most part she managed to swim out of the way of the rocks, but sometimes they were unavoidable. The first few hits weren't too bad, but the further they went on, the worse they got. Then came one that struck Katniss hard in the head. Katniss saw stars for a moment, and by the time she regained her senses, she was underwater and had lost Finn. She looked around frantically for him, but before she found him she crashed into another rock. As she felt herself about to pass out, a hand roughly hauled her head out of the water. As she coughed out some of the river water, she looked up at her rescuer. "Finn?"

"That's right," he said. "You saved me, I'm saving you. That's what friends are for."

"I'll have to agree with you," said Katniss. "Mostly because I usually meet friends while I'm in life-threatening situations."

"Guys, finish line up ahead," called Max, who'd also regained consciousness.

"Don't celebrate yet. The other team are gaining on us," said Ayane. "Start swimming, and don't stop until you're across the finish line."

"Oh no you don't," said Nora, bringing out her hammer. "Stand back guys."

"We can't stand. The water's too dee…" started Patrick, just as Nora started firing behind her, propelling her forward. As she reached the Pelicans, she fired her bazooka at the rocks on either side of the river. The Pelicans crashed into the rocks as Nora launched herself over them, crossing the finish line first.

"I win," declared Nora, posing victoriously.

"But we don't," said Gary. "Did you forget that we were behind you?"

"Oops. Sorry Gary," said Nora.

"That's okay. Artemis crossed the line last," said Gary. "So I guess he'll be getting eliminated, right Chef?"

"Wrong," said Chef. Everyone looked at him in confusion. "Everyone remembers me saying that anyone who ends up on dry land is disqualified right?"

"Yeah," said Max. "But who ended up on…oh *beep*."

"I'll admit, it was very heroic of you," said Chef. "Unfortunately…" Without finishing his sentence, he drew his mallet and smacked Max into the ground.

"We really need to win a challenge," said Finn. "There are only three of us left."

"Don't worry," said Katniss. "I won this series once. We'll be fine."

"I thought that was Bart," said Hit-Girl.

"Can't we go one episode without breaking the fourth wall?" asked Artemis.

"I do it every episode when I tell the audience what happened last week," said Chef. "Which will be the first thing that happens next week, on Total Drama Catch Him If You Can."


End file.
